A Cheating Survival Guide
What to do when you’ve gotten screwed – and not in the fun way
I cheated my way through school. From elementary to tenth grade, I prided myself on being sneaky and getting away with it, which included plans as simple as sitting across from the hyper-smart nerd and stealthily swiping answers or hiding notes on the floor of the chemistry lab, as well as those of a more elaborate variety, like scribbling Spanish conjugations on strategic parts of my legs. I knew it was wrong, per se, but I rationalized it takes dedication and cunning to cheat successfully, so I was proving my intelligence in another way. Maybe because I felt zero guilt, I assumed this would translate into a lifetime of cheating on boyfriends, maybe even a husband or two, but happily that’s not how it works. I have, however, conditioned myself to expect whomever I’m with to cheat on me. Well, not to expect it; that sounds terribly sad. More accurately, I won’t let myself be shocked and broken if it happens, as a strategy of self-defense.
This isn’t to say everyone does or will cheat, although some will argue that’s the truth. (Cheaters! Cheaters will say everyone cheats!) But infidelity is intrinsically connected to human nature. Just look at Ashley Madison, a “dating” site designed for those actively looking to have an affair; it has well over 35 million members. We are greedy, and we want all we can get. Cheating in “real life” is not as black and white as it was on tests back in seventh grade. There is far more subjective gray area than defined shades. An infinite spectrum of distinct situations exists. (Are you married? Have you been dating two weeks? Did he bang your BFF? Did she lie to your face with no signs of cracking? Are you swingers, for Pete’s sake?)
Ideally, you have defined your personal parameters before you’re even in a relationship. Test your mind, and your emotions, with hypothetical scenarios. Articulate what you can and can’t handle to yourself first and your partner second. There are no rules as to what’s right, wrong, or in-between, except for the ones you delineate yourself. With that, here’s a guide for what to do depending on your situation of tainted love:
1. The Situation: The Self-Contained Slip-Up
This category encompasses all minor indiscretions, from the random drunken make-out to strip club hijinks gone too far to a one-night stand that reflects poor judgment – and likely poor taste. Katie’s crotch-motorboating incident, revealed on last season of Vanderpump Rules comes to mind. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, consider yourself lucky and keep reading. It’s also the least complex of the ways one can cheat, though when you’ve entered short-term fling territory, things get a bit harrier.
How to Handle It: Don’t freak out. Now is the time to maintain your cool. Keep your head up, without getting all cozy on your high horse, and be realistic. Is it indicative of an ongoing pattern? Substance-related? A passive-aggressive cry for attention? Or is it truly a self-contained occurrence with little to no bearing on the relationship? If you feel you can move on, let your partner make it up to you (it’s kind of fun to be the one in the right for once), and actually do just that. Don’t go blabbing the news to all your friends, as they’ll likely have a harder time forgiving and forgetting on your behalf. The sum of the relationship is greater than its parts, so weigh everything before going nuclear. You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em.
2. The Situation: The Long-Term Affair
This is when shit gets real. The arguably worst part of a serious affair is that it reflects an emotional betrayal, not just a physical one, which many (males and females alike) maintain is the most hurtful and damaging form of cheating. Maybe you’ve been in denial of the truth, so finding out isn’t a shock on every level. Whether or not they’re in love with someone else, you have been lied to and made a fool, so the burn degree is high and the relationship will be tested, if it’s not already obliterated. The question is: Can you ever trust them again?
How to Handle It: You consequently feel like you have no control, so take some. Use this crappy situation as an opportunity to think about yourself. No, not to pathetically ponder what you did to drive your beloved into the swarthy arms of another. That’s precisely the worst route, aside from setting the wrongdoer’s house on fire or mutilating their genitals. Take time to consider what you want out of a relationship and life in general. Remind yourself you are independent and dead-sexy, goddammit. And that monogamy, an arguably unnatural societal mode, is often too much to expect from many people, so a lack thereof doesn’t necessarily mean you are unloved, undesired, or even rejected.
But if you are, move on, pronto. Realistically, you probably will break up after something like this. Even if you know that’s what you want, don’t throw all their belongings down your building’s garbage chute because you will probably regret it. If you’re up for attempting to make it work, be skeptical of your partner’s sincerity. Either way, you can’t be everyone and everything to a person and vice versa. Let’s not be so hard on ourselves, huh?
3. The Situation: The Virtual Exploit
In our Internet-saturated age of instant communication and gratification, artificial intimacy can be just as formidable a force as the in-person stuff. Webcamming, porn, sexting, Tinder, Grindr, Facebook messenger: it’s prevalent. While I would never consider someone looking at porn as cheating, some do – and that’s their prerogative! But there’s a difference between an online porn addiction (a separate issue entirely) and using these forms of communication as a gateway to real-life cheating.
How to Handle It: Take matters into your own hands. I’m not referring to dashing to the old keyboard to unleash your fury via social media (avoid the self-pitying Twitter diatribes or unabridged Facebook rants because they will only make you look like a loser) or taking home the first friendly stranger you meet at the bar (this will only make you feel like a loser, unless you know it won’t and in that case, go for it). The two of you have to set some parameters when it comes to personal technology, after getting to the route of the problem, the meaning behind the behavior. You don’t want to be checking their phone like some narc mom, so as it goes in all these cases, trust comes into play. Are they going to lay off the screen and get back to reality? Actions speak louder than typed words.
4. The Situation: The Financial F-Over
Make no mistake: Financial infidelity can screw you over just as badly, and many people keep their spending habits far more private than their, uh, privates. Statistically, women are more likely to lie about money matters (cue the shoe-shopping addiction jokes), while men are apparently more likely to physically cheat. Whichever the culprit’s gender, realizing your spouse has accrued thousands of dollars of credit card debt unbeknownst to you is no picnic.
How to Handle It: As with all of these ugly situations, you want to perform the role of “rational person.” If you share everything, it’s up to the guilty party to right their money matters. Why should you have to stress over someone else’s mistake? Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. If you’re not already dealing with an eviction notice, you’ll have to work together on a financial plan (I don’t think there is any word pairing in the English language that makes me sleepier) and consider yourself a single entity, at least as far as bank accounts are concerned. This is why keeping your own savings, opting for that unromantic pre-nup, and remaining independent, if only on a practical level, are all highly advised preemptive measures.
5. The Situation: You’re the Cheater
There are myriad reasons people cheat: the need for an alternate outlet, as a plea for attentiveness, a means of warding off boredom, to name a few. Maybe you just got wasted, and it’s as simple and dumb as that. Or perhaps there are deeper issues at play. There are probably deeper issues at play. If it’s an ongoing tryst, it’s clear you’re dissatisfied in your current relationship.
How to Handle It: If you get caught, I have three words for you, courtesy of singer Shaggy, circa 2000: It wasn’t me. The song spells out every instruction, down to a tee. No, don’t do that. You might not have yet considered why you’re doing what you’re doing, so take awhile to look within. If you have no guilt whatsoever, no matter how much covert unprotected sex you’ve had, you might want to consider the possibility that you have vaguely psychopathic tendencies. If it’s because you’re miserable in your relationship or madly in love with someone else, it’s time to stop making excuses and yank the bloodied BandAid off. Just remember, the “I’m a sex addict” excuse is totally lame.