What to Wear When You Want to Get It On in a Public Place
It's not necessarily ideal. But once in awhile, it has to happen. Whether you’re a late adolescent without a welcoming, parent-free home, an adult with a major case of arrested development (or nosy roommates), or you merely have the horniness level of a teenage boy, every now and then this tricky situation presents itself. You’re out with the person who gets you all atwitter at say, a restaurant and you suddenly find yourselves both so lusty for each other you need to go bang. Right at that very moment. In say, the bathroom of this hypothetical restaurant. Sorry, restaurant!
I know all too well that a pair of overalls (anyone who thinks wearing overalls makes you unfuckable is just plain ignorant) or a very baggy pair of oversized trousers, inspired by Madonna’s “Express Yourself” era, can foil your whole sordid and not-thought-out plan. In the spirit of getting away with an illicit activity, even if it only lasts for 45 seconds, here’s what you should wear. Hey, better safe than sorry! Speaking of which, a condom could pose a major time suck.
1. Go Short and Loose
A wiggle dress or restrictive-tight pencil skirt may make you feel sexy like Jessica Rabbit and walk like a dirty-minded secretary who wants to nail her boss, but they won’t do you much good if you’re in need of a quickie with a capital Q. (There is an exception, however. See #2.) Think schoolgirl-short and cheerleader-flouncy. Or a louche T-shirt style that already looks wrinkled to begin with.
2. Some Stretch and a Shimmy
If you’re going tight, you want a skirt or dress with plenty of give, one that can be easily pulled up over your bum. Slinky is great, as long as it snaps back into place once you’re done with your harried deed. Time is of the essence and you don’t want to be fussing with anything too polished. Think stretch-knit over wool-crepe or restrictive leather.
3. Underwear Matters
Too many moms, mine included, have stressed the importance of wearing nice underwear in case you get in a car accident and paramedics have to strip your clothes off. Few have stressed that the fact it’s far more important to wear top-notch underthings in case you find yourself faced with a surprise sexual encounter. A G-string that can be yanked to the side for total access, sleek thong, and lacy pair of panties are equally ideal. So what if they end up on the floor of a filthy cement piss station?
4. Act Natural
You could be wearing ass-less chaps with nothing under them and still not get away with getting it on if you don’t stay calm, cool, and collected. If you act suspicious, you are suspicious. Also, it helps not to care if strangers (or friends, for that matter) are on to you. Besides, if people see you leaving the bathroom of a bar with somebody else as you adjust yourself, they’ll probably just assume you were doing drugs. Let them speculate after you ejaculate!
1. T by Alexander Wang ribbed-knit cotton-blend midi skirt: A two-way zip means you can open this thing up to your navel without ripping it off.
2. For Love and Lemons Aloha skirt: A bright print isn't exactly incognito, but who cares? This is super-short.
3. Anthony Vaccarello asymmetric eyelet embellished cady miniskirt: For the horny chick with cash to spare, if this slick number doesn't get you laid, I don't know what will.
4. Zimmermann Hyper eyelet flip dress: How sweet and innocent! Or is it? Be a wolf in lamb's clothing with this puff-skirted mini.
5. Marc by Marc Jacobs pleated wool miniskirt: It may sound anti-feminist, but I'll say it anyway. This one's great for bringing his schoolgirl fantasies to life.
6. Riller & Fount x REVOLVE Reiley dress: Unadorned and unfussy, a simple tank dress can surprisingly become the sexiest thing in your wardrobe.