The Irresponsible Idiot's Guide to Finance
Jennifer Aniston treasuring her wads of cash for W Magazine, April 2010
How to get down and dirty with your money – or what little is left of it
Money has never been my forte. Growing up, though, I did impress my parents with my self-disciplined ability to save my allowance. I would put five-dollar bills in my bubblegum pink “safe” box until they’d add up to a hundred and counting. But by the time I was 12 or 13, all frugality, as well as common sense, had gone out the window. Money wasn’t for saving. It was for spending. Specifically, on frosty brown Wet ‘n’ Wild lipstick, to be worn over dark mahogany liner, of course; caramel Frappuccinos at Starbucks, the Upper East Side middle schooler’s nutritional lunch of choice; rhinestone dog-collar chokers from Trash & Vaudeville; and anything and everything from Wet Seal, one-time haven of mass-produced ultra-flared jeans and sheer henna-print tops. I never looked back.
At 17, I had enough sense to obtain a part-time job on my own volition. It was at Hollywood Tans, where my bleached-blonde and much more orange colleague and I would study issues of Us Weekly and In Touch for hours on end, convince the guys at the liquor store across the street to give us airplane-sized mini-bottles of Smirnoff and Bacardi for free, and smoke blunts in the laundry room, and I would warn customers, who would often ask me why the hell I was so pale for a girl who worked in a tanning salon, about our very misleading brochure. “The UVB rays only damage the surface layer of your skin. It’s the UVA rays that give you skin cancer, which these machines have a lot of.” I lasted for a surprisingly long time there, especially considering this was a job I didn’t take on because I necessarily needed the money. I did it because I wanted extra cash for “fun stuff,” like nights out in the Meatpacking District, biweekly manicures, and knee-high boots by Miu Miu, to name a few.
Over a decade has since passed – I wonder whatever happened to those boots – and I am not proud to admit I have yet to change that cripplingly immature mentality. So what credibility do I possibly have to compose a trustworthy finance guide, you ask? Well, those who can’t teach, and it’s not that I don’t know what I should be doing, it’s that I haven’t wanted to adjust my fancy-free behavior. Until now. I can’t keep acting like I’m rich while my checking account dwindles to the single digits. It’s time to grow up! Let’s face it: Being frugal is no fun. But neither is being broke as a joke. As I’ve had far more experience fumbling through life in the latter category, I might not seem like an expert on the topic, but on the contrary. Nearly three decades of being an idiot with money means I’ve made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to! It’s just fine to be reckless and semi-destitute when you’re 23, but having a perpetually shaky account balance, not to mention a fat (and only getting more obese) credit card bill when you’re into your thirties and beyond is depressing as hell. So in the spirit of not feeling depressed and poor, here’s my quick guide to basic financial sense:
1. Accept reality.
First off, money is a fact of life. You cannot live without it. I have exclaimed many times, “But money is made up by people! It’s just printed paper!” I have said this in a state of denial. It’s both a substance and a potent energy, and it’s not going anywhere, at least not when it comes to the fact that it’s something we will use, want, work for, spend, and lose for as long as we’re alive. No wonder it’s a constant source of envy, embarrassment, greed, superstition, and intimidation the world over.
Next comes accepting your own personal reality, which is that of your financial situation. Figure out exactly how much you have, write down exactly how much you make a month, as well as how much you spend per month (don’t lie!), and see how the numbers compare. If you’re anything like me, you will see you are spending hundreds of dollars more than you’re making. What gives? And what’s a consciously irresponsible person to do? Determine what you’re willing to give up. The regular latte from the coffee shop, perhaps? That’s five bucks a day. Cut down on manicures (it’s healthy to let your nails breathe every once in awhile, anyway). The whole bottle of pretty decent wine at the café? Not exactly necessary. The little things can really add up. If you’re in debt, grab the scissors and cut up your credit cards. It sounds simple, and possibly painful, but it’s one of the wisest things to do when you’re in debt. Call it a cleanse. Oh, and use basic human logic for a while. Simply put, don’t buy what you don’t need.
2. Don’t be afraid to look.
Sometimes the egregiousness of my spending has gotten so out of control, I’ve found myself genuinely afraid to so much as glance at my bank account. This is not what you’d call having a healthy relationship with money. The more you look and tend to your matters, the more in control you’ll feel. And the more in control you feel, the better your state of mind. So, go ahead, log on to your bank’s website every few days and check out the breakdown of where your cash is going. Speaking of which, I should really do that right about now
3. Live only a little beyond your means.
Many practical thinkers, namely those who recognize that a penny saved is a penny earned, will insist that to live even a couple feet outside your means is terrible advice. Then again, being realistic all the time is totally unrealistic. There’s a big difference between pretending you’re filthy rich when you can barely afford that case of champagne you just bought because you wanted to feel fancy and knowing how to let loose every once in awhile –and then swiftly pull the reigns back in. It’s like a diet. If you’re constantly depriving yourself of all the foods you love, perpetually hungry because you’re living off dressing-free kale salad and lemon water, it’s only a matter of time before you say, “Screw it” and find yourself binging on as much junk food you can get your bony hands on. (I happen to have a weakness for an all-out Mexican fiesta every now and again; we all have our poison.) If you feel deprived for too long, you’re likely to end up making an insane purchase because you feel you deserve it. Balance is key.
4. Remember: Saying no to yourself can feel really good.
Indeed, there’s a rush that comes with making a transaction. It’s a whole lot of fun to not balk at the price tag in a high-end boutique. A hundred and eighty dollars for this linen T-shirt that’s covered in holes? Don’t mind if I do! However, the mounting burden of guilt that accompanies this short-lived release of shopping-induced serotonin is far stronger. It’s like doing bad ecstasy. Sure, it feels great at the time, but the empty, hollow feeling that takes over as soon as the chemicals wear off is tragic. So is having an empty, hollow piggy bank. Speaking of piggy banks, it’s our inner Child who convinces us to make the reckless purchase; it’s the Child who hasn’t a clue how to manage money. Squelch that obnoxious kid.
5. Get in touch with your inner cheapskate.
One of my favorite phrases to say is: “Drinks on me!” So is: “Don’t worry. I’ve got this.” Followed by: “No problem!” Well, here’s the thing: It is a problem! As much as I enjoy ordering a smorgasbord of delights for my friends and me to share at a restaurant, I always feel like a dummy when all is said and paid. It’s time to cheapen up. Forget constantly offering to pay for stuff. Besides, there any pairing of two words in the English language greater than “open bar”? Capitalize on free events. Let someone else treat every once in awhile. Make yourself stay home just as often. And remember, when your financial situation drops, so does your libido. And we wouldn’t want that, now would we?