How to Be Different and Make It Work
Because being the same is overrated
Odds are you’re not familiar with a ditty entitled “Different Yet the Same” from a 1984 episode of Sesame Street. I’m talking about a singing British cow named Gladys and a glass-half-full friend of hers, Buster the Horse. Buster knows cows and horses are different (he’s not stupid!), but he maintains: “Yes, in some ways we’re different, oh, as different as can be, but in some ways we’re the same…You can look at the difference if that’s all you want to do, but I’d rather find a way I like you.”
Thanks, Sesame Street! Differences are great. They’re what make us unique. They keep life from feeling dull and trite. You’d have to be crazy to want to live in a homogenous world. As Rebels, while we naturally pride ourselves on being different – we wouldn’t have it any other way – dealing with people who have strikingly dissimilar personalities, disparate core values or belief systems, or opposing views on life can be maddening.
Some we choose (boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, pals), and others, we don’t get to elect (parents, siblings, bosses). In any relationship, expectations can destroy, a one-off conflict can devolve into a destructive pattern, and what makes someone seem special at first can annoy the hell out of you later down the road. How many times have former married couples cited “irreconcilable differences” as their grounds for divorce? I’m willing to bet in plenty of those instances, the differences were, indeed, reconcilable, and other things, like old habits, hardheadedness, hurt feelings, and, well, life got in the way. As pointed out by wise Buster, we can dwell on our differences or we can revel in our parellels. Better yet, we can also revel in our differences and reap the benefits.
1. Like you want to date yourself? As if.
We have a habit of mistaking commonality for compatibility, though the two are far from one in the same. You can no doubt find a kindred spirit in a human who seems nothing like you. Opposites attract. (That is, until they detract. See #6.) There’s something so charming about a regular odd couple. Couples who dress, think, and act alike are repugnant. Ever see a pair who looks more like fraternal twins than a romantic duo? “Narcissists!” is the singular thought that comes to mind.
This makes me think of a classic Velvet Underground song, with Nico crooning in her husky drawl: “I’ll be your mirror/Reflect what you are, in case you don’t know…” A best friend, soul mate, or confidante doesn’t have to be just like you to reveal what you are failing to see in yourself. Actually, one who is the yin to your yang is far more likely to help you perceive things in a refreshed light.
2. Appreciate. Don’t berate.
Rebels don’t hesitate to announce ourselves to the world and more specifically, the people we choose to date. That’s a good thing. It’s far better to put it all on the table early on than to disguise aspects of yourself. They’re going to coming out eventually, anyway. When it comes to workplace dynamics, on the other hand, a toned-down version of the big, bold you is usually the best place to start, since you’re going to encounter people who see things differently, and a lot of them get put off easily (people are sensitive).
Similarly, you can’t change someone, so don’t trick yourself into believing they will eventually morph into what you want. Trade expectations for acceptance. What’s “right’ and “wrong” is merely a matter of perspective. There’s also something to be said for sugarcoating your message. Psychologists and fans of hoagie metaphors alike advise the employment of a “feedback sandwich.” If you’ve got to get something negative off your chest, shove it in between two positive tidbits. Just be sure they make sense. For example, saying, “I love your shirt. Also, your voice is so loud, grating, and whiny, it makes me want to jump out that window over there. But periwinkle really is a lovely color on you” isn’t going to win you any points.
3. This time it’s not personal.
So you’re neat and she’s messy. Or you’re always cold and he’s perpetually hot. You’re an unapologetic extrovert and she’s rather introverted. You’re into transcendental meditation and his preferred mode of relaxation is blasting Nickelback while strumming an air guitar (you should probably break up with him). You get the idea. We are not our behavior, or even our preferences. While the way we act and the things we do have the power to comprise our personna, they don’t define us. Here’s a question to ask yourself: does their difference of opinion affect you? Or negatively affect someone else? If not, then what’s it to you? Live and let live. And sometimes, in the words of Paul McCartney (and later on, Axl Rose), live and let die.
A little healthy debate is fine. Just don’t let things get derogatory, and avoid speaking in terms of absolutes. You can respectfully disagree without looking down on people for their opposing outlooks. We all know there’s a distinction between, “What you just said was hurtful,” and “You’re an asshole.” Finesse the art of friendly negotiation, and unappealing as it might seem, go for a compromise whenever you can. The strength of a relationship is proven by how you go about managing your disagreements.
4. Learn something.
People want to feel like they are being heard, and they want to feel validated to boot. Here’s a novel idea: listen! Hear them out. You might be surprised by what you learn, and you may end up thinking about the world in an entirely new way. Observing and absorbing the differences in people around you can be positively enriching. Train yourself to see the qualities and outlooks your significant other has and you lack as strengths, only making you more powerful. You’re a team, after all. Then again, there’s a chance you might just end up annoyed; if that’s the case, zone out and nod attentively while you pretend to listen.
5. Look the other way.
Whether it’s work-related or personal, you want to choose your battles and choose them wisely. Be strategic, asking yourself, “Is it worth the potential fight? Or am I not thinking past the immediate moment?” Save your airing of grievances for a situation when you have no choice but to let it rip. Prevention can be key to coexisting in sweet harmony, so learn when to ignore your disparities. You’re a mega-liberal Democrat and he’s got a soft spot for Republican ideals, but you love him to death anyway? It’s best to simply avoid talking politics altogether. This doesn’t mean you’re in denial; it means you’re being astutely selective about your conversations and consequently, your overall dynamic.
6. Recognize when your differences are divisive.
When it comes to relationships of the romantic variety, you’ve got to have a few things in common. It may sound overly pragmatic, but you need to like at least some of the same off-duty activities. For example, I once dated a guy who hated going out to dinner. Loathed trying new foods, drinking wine, always ordered “the chicken,” never wanted to split a couple of appetizers, the whole depressing deal. One of my favorite things to do in life is go out to…anywhere. And when I go out to dinner, I like to order everything, including at least a bottle of wine (for myself, thank you). This might seem like a petty difference, but it led to bickering every time we set foot in a restaurant and eventually to me regularly going out alone like a single person, while he stayed home griping about his chronic migraines. And in time, it led to me showing up at his apartment at 4am and hurling a water-filled mug in the general direction of his head. But I digress.
The point is after we broke up, I knew I required a dude who appreciated going out to dinner. (A gentleman with an alcohol dependency seemed like a bonus.) Basic commonalities like that do have the capacity to make or break a relationship. Then again, we ultimately split not because we disagreed on dinner, but because as it turned out, we didn’t really like each other all that much, nor did we get along. Often times, disagreements over differences are masking a deeper conflict. Instead of going for easy-access, surface-level stuff, go a little deeper and all will be revealed.