Oh, Grow Up: The Plight of the Woman-Child
How to ensure your arrested development doesn’t get sentenced to life without parole
When I was an early adolescent, I thought once I turned 30, by some sort of evolutionary magic, and with a whole lot of nouveau money, I would wake up with a sleek, stick-straight blowout every day and wear lean pencil skirts with my Tom Ford pumps at virtually all times. Except, of course, when I went to sleep in my silky satin pajamas between crisp, daily-washed white sheets.
Right now, I am 30 years old, and I can say I own a couple of pencil skirts and they do make me feel “polished” and “mature” when I wear them. Which isn’t to my executive office but usually out for nighttime hijinks, paired with crocheted crop tops and glorified sports bras. The last time I wore one of these pencil skirts, I slipped and fell on my ass, tipsily stumbling out of a Manhattan police precinct at 7am. (No, I didn’t get arrested, but thanks for assuming! Some dude had stolen my cell phone as I was leaving a nightclub, and the cops helped me hunt him down in their squad car.) I wasn’t even wearing dagger-sharp stiletto pumps but chunky platforms. Think Jodie Foster in Taxi Driverover Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.
But that’s okay because what you look like on the outside doesn’t make you an adult. Sure, there are some 30-year-olds with spouses, children, houses, and lives that look very much “together.” (Guess what? They’re not.) There are also a lot more without. Growing up is not about never eating potato chips and ice cream for dinner or driving a Bentley instead of riding a bicycle. It’s about knowing who you are and, equally important, not feeling perpetually beholden to another person, whether it’s your mom, husband, sister, whomever. While the notion that we all have to completely “grow up sometime” is arguable, we all need to evolve with time, which inevitably means taking responsibility for yourself and the facets of your life. At least the ones we can control.
1. Be the master of your domain.
I’m not referring to code speak for the masturbation contest in that famed episode of Seinfeld. I’m talking about autonomy. There's something known as the “law of accountability.” Think cliques (associated with the mean girls), gangs (bad guys), and squads (cool kids). When you make a personal choice with a group, you abdicate your responsibility, which feels like a total relief in the moment. “Oops, I chugged a water bottle full of molly because it was just there! Not my fault!” But you’re also forgoing your power. Cut to the next morning, when your serotonin is depleted, your head is pounding, and you’re thinking, “I’m an idiot.”
Don’t look for approval from anyone but yourself, especially when posing the spiritual query, “Is it okay for me to grow up now?” It's our inner child who uses excuses, shrugging and whimpering, “I don’t know enough” when faced with the question of why we’re not pursuing our dreams.
2. Suck it up and shut it down.
Onward and upward! If you’re dwelling on the past – and that includes yesterday, even an hour ago, hell, ten minutes ago – you’re not growing…in any direction. And as you keep it moving full-steam ahead, get rid of your expectations, in all matters of life. They won’t get you anywhere. The same goes for that phrase I’ve whined countless times (if I had a nickel for each time, I could probably buy those Tom Ford shoes), “I just want someone to take care of me.” Every time you say that, you’re proving this fact: You’re not moving forward and you’re not growing up.
3. Just say no.
As a person who likes to say yes to whatever spontaneous adventure, or tantalizing substance, lies before her, growing up means picking and choosing these moments, rather than consistently proclaiming, “Affirmative!” with reckless abandon. Where the F has my willpower been all these years? Pathetic! I’ve recently begun training myself to take a step back for a moment and know when it’s good and sensible to call it a night, instead of inviting a crew of new best friends (read: people I will never see again in my life) back to my place for after-hours.
Saying no to yourself can feel really good. When you’re in a store, or shopping online in the middle of the night, and you want something so badly your eyes are burning with greed and desire, it’s hard to see past the moment. You rationalize because goddammit, you deserve something new! But you know what else you deserve? Avoiding the stress that comes with an unnecessary, and often frivolous and therefore regrettable purchase. Walking away empty-handed can feel so much better than you might think.
4. Stop pretending.
Many people have reminded me, “Ignoring a problem won’t make it go away.” I’ve always hoped this to be patently false. But that STD test you know you should go get, even if it means dragging yourself to Planned Parenthood to talk about your sex life with a stranger? That foreboding envelope from your credit card company that’s been buried under fashion magazines and takeout menus for weeks? That tiny, knotty nodule on your left boob you felt once, leaving you shaken to the core? Get this shit taken care of! Because, going back to Tip #2, nobody else is going to take care of it for you. Oh, and pay attention to your bank account. While this may be “no duh” advice for most, some of us, myself included, prefer to avoid the reality of our financial situation for as long as possible. Until your bank sends you an alert that you’re overdrawn by $232.
5. Listen to your heart.
It’s commonly noted that being an adult is overrated, and despite all my preaching, I still agree. When it comes to the traditional stuff – the “grownup” clothes, white-picket fence, home-cooked dinners, and organized schedules – I say screw it and do what you want. Moreover, a touch of a Peter Pan complex is even healthy to maintain. It accounts for your "angelic" side, the wide-eyed optimist who sees the world as a new, exciting place of endless possibilities. Realize waiting comes with rewards, and growing pains will only hurt more if met with resistance. Most importantly, if you listen to your heart (or your intuition, instinct, gut, or whichever term you prefer) in any given situation, you will find yourself putting your energy into the right places. True “grownups” don’t need to ask themselves who they are because they already know it. So keep fumbling, foraging, and flubbing until you find out.