How to Play It Cool
How to find your cool, keep it, run with it, and eventually cling to it like grim death
1. Define your own “cool” terms.
Successfully playing it cool isn’t as simple as finding a balance between being a needy bitch and an ice queen, or a desperado and a casanova. It’s emanating a particular brand of appealing insouciance that feels almost unattainable to others.
A spot-on excerpt from Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl reads: “Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being a the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.”
Indeed, everyone should be open to shoveling a burger and perhaps humoring the notion of a threesome every now and then. But any girl who attempts to personify this variation of “cool” when she hates junk food, sports, and audible belches is just setting herself up for a frustrating visit to Poserville. Figure out what “cool” means to you.
2. Apply a mantra.
One of my best friends and I have a slogan: “Be cool forever.” It’s a joke, but we also really mean it. To all of our mutual female friends who recklessly pour their hearts out to guys they’ve just met: “No! Just be cool…forever.” While you can be too cool (to the point of putting people off), you can’t do it for too long. It’s the way to aspire to be for all eternity. If these three words don’t resonate, employ your own mantra whenever you feel your soppy tears, high-pitched wails, needy pleas, or irrational demands coming on.
Don’t think I’m just addressing the ladies. Men are just as guilty of requiring too much emotional validation too early on. We all need plenty of it; we just don’t have to let the rest of the world know it. Realistically, odds are you’ll break down and show weakness if your relationship goes on long enough. That’s fine, too. You just might as well hold off while you can.
3. When in doubt, minimize.
Less can be best. The fewer words you use, the more effective they become. Also, when drunk, delay; I don’t need to warn you about the universal perils of drunk dialing. If you’re at work and you’re boss is making you feel like blowing a gasket, pace yourself and remember: this too shall pass. In the early stages of a relationship, avoid getting all, “I want to know where this is going, blah, blah, blah…” The result is usually a painfully clichéd exchange. If you realize you love the sucker and want to say so, you’re better off uttering it gently with a smile, when the moment feels right, without inquiring if the feeling is mutual. Saying such a thing without exhibiting the need to hear it right back shows deep inner confidence.
4. Remain a mystery.
If this sounds like game-playing, that’s because it kind of is. Dating dynamics are founded on the playing of games, and the reality boils down to old-fashioned human nature. People may not love to be ignored, but they happen to love people who ignore them, even though no one wants to admit it. Ignore and you might just become instantly appealing or at least intriguing. If the person you need to ignore is in your presence, appear distracted, just not in an obvious way – no overly hearty laughs and hair tosses.
Don’t allow yourself to think your happiness depends on another’s response or the amount of attention they pay you. Take an imaginary chill pill. Or a non-imaginary Xanax. Whatever works for you, dude. This isn’t about being passive; it’s about being quietly, subtly, enigmatically assertive. The less you say, especially when it comes to feelings, the more enigmatic you remain and thus, the more power you possess. Plus, you avoid appearing vulnerable for longer.
6. Have your own thing and find your own fun.
There is nothing fundamentally cooler than having your own interests, passions, plans, friends, and life. Similarly, there is nothing less cool than hitching your wagon to someone else’s interests, passions, plans, friends, and life. Anyone worthwhile doesn’t want a shadow or a My Buddy doll (if you don’t know what that is, you’re too young and in that case, I hate you). Don’t fake being busy all the time, but be busy enough so you have your own stuff going on.
Is your crush making you wait? The love of your life giving you the cold shoulder? Don’t deal by sending them a cavalcade of sad-turned-angry-turned-desperate-and-back-again text messages until you lose your shit. You don’t technically need anyone to survive, so distract yourself by having your own fun with your own friends. Just don’t go swigging red wine until you end up crying a bathtub’s worth of Cabernet Sauvignon tears into the bread basket. If tears are imminent, call it a night and sleep off your grief. Then in the morning, continue to not use your phone unless it’s to contact your pals and organize something else to keep you up and moving.
7. Be philosophical about it.
Playing it cool isn’t merely about saving face. It is having the foresight to know that what’s meant to be will be and you can’t force someone to like you. Ultimately, we don’t have control over whom we love. You’ll get nowhere by trying to exert ownership over another (“You’re not allowed to look at other girls!”) because you can’t own another human being, despite what notions of marriage have led us to believe. You’re cool enough to let your significant other do what they want because you’re secure in yourself. That’s not to say you shouldn’t get pissed if they wrong you. I’m just saying, innocent until proven guilty, you know? Anyway, everything is going to be fine. And if it isn’t, so what? It will still be fine.
8. Remember you’re the best.
In the wise words of Aubrey “Drake” Graham, “You the fuckin’ best/You the fuckin’ best/You the best I ever had” and so on. You’re the best, whether they’ve had you or not! Even if they might not feel that way about you (and they’re damn fools if they don’t), believe it. Tell yourself you’re better than everyone in the room. And mean it.
Originally published on Archetypes.com