Dear Playboy Advisor: I Can't Stop Calling Men Daddy

The Playboy Advisor offers some “fatherly” advice to a woman who can’t bite her tongue in the bedroom. Plus, advice on rolling in the hay, shower sex and separation anxiety

I think I’m addicted to calling men “daddy” during sex. It just comes out! Sometimes they’re into it; other times they freak out. I know what you’re thinking: daddy issues, right? But I have a relatively healthy relationship with my father. I never used the word in this context before my last boyfriend, when it just happened to become our sexual dynamic. Now I’m hooked. What does it mean, and what should I do?—J.K., Pella, Iowa

 A: Indeed, most people assume that if you have the urge to call your sexual partners “daddy” during sex, you must have daddy issues. Most people are wrong. That argument may have held sway when Sex and the City was considered an authority on all things libidinous, but it’s a new day. You don’t have a Lolita complex either. Any adult woman—or man—with a healthy amount of self-esteem is free to get off on father-figure fantasies without needing a trip to the therapist. Thanks to the ubiquity of May-December relationships, plus Ty Dolla $ign’s immortal song “Zaddy” (though it’s important to point out zaddy and daddy denote two different personas; a zaddy is a sexy man with swag, while a daddy is an attractive older man) and the internet’s meme-ification of the word, the once salacious and incestuous moniker has become as destigmatized as anal sex.

Thus, in 2019, whispering “Daddy!” in a dude’s ear might as well be the equivalent of telling him “You’re hot.” That’s because “daddy” doesn’t suggest just age but value— the oldest, best or biggest. Whether it’s a reflection of our innate desire to feel subservient in sex or to challenge taboos, this fixation is nothing more than human nature at play. What was once forbidden is now verging on vanilla—but that doesn’t mean every guy you pounce on wants to play papa. I’m guessing you and your ex had a, well, robust sex life— not that it should be of much consequence now. The last thing any of us wants is to be sized up against a sexual partner’s ex in bed.

 When you call men “daddy” in the throes of passion, you’re putting on a performance—one that may make you feel simultaneously innocent, insurgent and vixen-like. You’re also giving him power. Is it possible the less control you feel, the more earth-shattering your orgasm? Fantasies make sex fun, and let’s not forget that who we are during sex rarely aligns with who we present as in life. But both partners need to desire a fantasy, and that can’t be forced. Read the (bed)room, quit imposing this on squeamish men, and keep your addiction in check. Better yet, try indulging in some of his fantasies. You’ll eventually discover one that gets you both off.

 I love partying on molly instead of drinking or smoking weed. The problem is, even though I feel extremely horny while high, I can’t get hard. Is there such a thing as microdosing molly so I can be hard and high at the same time?—K.H., New York, New York 

Life is a cruel jokester, isn’t it? What makes us horny also keeps us from coming. First, if you choose to do molly, keep in mind that it’s illegal. Second, if you do ingest, do so in moderation, as you don’t want to lose your brainpower along with your boner. Molly—in theory, MDMA in its purest form—causes a generous release in the brain of serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine, all neurotransmitters that make you feel happy. It also increases oxytocin, often called “the love hormone,” which helps solidify emotional bonds. In other words, molly elevates you to vertiginous levels of euphoria and desire. You become a touchy, emotional, overly aware lust machine.

 At the same time, some effects of MDMA are similar to those of adrenaline. It serves as a vasoconstrictor, narrowing blood vessels to your penis, among other areas. No blood flow means no hard-on, which means no climax. This is what you’re experiencing, and it’s why no matter how sexual you may feel while rolling, you can’t close the deal. There’s a reason molly and its MDMA-centric predecessors have had a reputation as nothing more than a “party drug” since the heyday of Studio 54: It’s best suited for dancing, socializing and cuddling.

Although microdosing psychedelics is trending these days, we’re talking about aligning stimulated brain chemistry with the pulse of your circulatory system. There’s no guarantee that using less of a psychoactive over a longer time will simultaneously make you horny and hard.

I must note that a cocktail of Viagra and MDMA, two substances that can impact your blood pressure, will seriously harm your cardiovascular system and could cause a heart attack. Don’t even think about mixing the two. If you’re hell-bent on blending the joys of sex with the thrill of a dopamine rush, here’s a tip: Try falling in love instead.

I just got my own one-bedroom apartment for the first time and want to make it a place that impresses women as much as it does my parents when they visit. But I don’t have a trust fund. What can I do to elevate my place without breaking the bank?—J.U., Santa Barbara, California

Congratulations! Bonus points for landing your first adult apartment and doing it on your own. When in doubt, or in debt, keep it simple. Eliminate clutter by hiding it in something multifunctional like a handsome wooden storage bench. Dump anything that whispers “college dorm,” such as multihead floor lamps. If your bed isn’t a place you really want to sleep, how can you expect anyone else to want to sleep there? Invest in a queen- or king-size with a headboard, high-thread-count sheets (a combed cotton in the 300-to-400 range will work) and matching pillow shams.

Bare walls are a mood killer; even a single accent wall painted a soft, neutral color enhances a room. Tape on walls is even worse, so frame your posters and prints. Naked windows will make your interior feel cold and do nothing to protect from harsh morning light; spring for a set of curtains, which are cheaper and more elegant than blinds. If you’re able to renovate an entire room, start by upgrading old fixtures— all you need is a screwdriver and new doorknobs, cabinet hardware and light-switch covers. Lighting can also make a difference. You don’t need to invest in pricey new fixtures; just switch in 60-watt light bulbs for fluorescents, which make even the nicest furniture look austere. Finally, a coffeemaker, an extra set of fluffy towels and a clean bathroom—don’t forget the bath mat—will ensure your apartment is a place where women won’t regret spending the night.

Are steam-room hookups just something Hollywood made up? I joined a new gym, and the locker room is full of hot women. (Yes, I’m a lesbian.) I’m not into public sex; I’m talking about following someone into a shower stall and discreetly eating her out. I would like to explore this, but I’m afraid I’ll end up getting banned—or, even worse, humiliated.—R.G., Atlanta, Georgia

Fear not: Such illicit hookups aren’t merely myths. As many gay men will attest, the gym locker room has been known to facilitate many sweat-soaked Grindr trysts. The women’s room, however, doesn’t play host to all that much action, in my experience. Call it the double standard of cruising.

 That’s not to say it doesn’t happen. Public sex, from restaurant bathrooms to department store fitting rooms to remote beaches and beyond, is as timeless as it is tantalizing. But let’s be clear: It’s one thing to sneak into a shower stall with a woman you already know (go for it, if you don’t care about your gym membership) and another to force yourself on an unsuspecting stranger. There’s nothing wrong with wanting your reality to be a little more pornographic, but don’t get accused of sexual assault in the process. Never follow someone into a public shower stall, no questions asked.

My wife of 10 years told me she wants to see other people as a kind of test. We both realize things haven’t been perfect in our marriage, but I didn’t see this coming. She has already gone for it, and I let her because I want to respect her wishes. But I’m out of practice. I don’t know how to pick up women, let alone tell them I’m married. I’ve never even used a dating app. How do married people date in 2019?—P.W., Ypsilanti, Michigan

It may be tempting to wallow in doubt, but you need to view this as an opportunity. You’ve been granted more than a hall pass: You’ve been given an entire summer break, and there’s no better time to pursue self-discovery.

But first, some questions. What do you want from this? Do your friends know? Did you “let her” go for it because you secretly yearned to dabble yourself? It sounds as though you didn’t have much of a choice, but there’s no going back, so start by embracing what lies ahead.

There’s a big difference between two married people dating as a couple and two married people dating independently. You’re in the latter category. Essentially, you’re now a single man in the dating world. You don’t need to announce you’re married to every woman you meet, nor should you slap it on your profile when you download a dating app (or five).

If your closest friends are aware of the situation, start by getting out there the old-fashioned way: Go to a bar, social gathering, sports event, networking party—any or all of the above—and just talk to other women. If that doesn’t do it, here’s a refresher on popular dating apps and the varying levels of discretion they offer: Bumble, which lets women pick up men, is your best option since you’re hesitant to approach women right off the bat; Raya is for influencers and successful creatives (the size of your Instagram following factors in whether you can play there); and Tinder provides endless options for people who want to “see a movie,” a.k.a. get laid fast. Even Instagram can function as a dating app.  

(Oh, and avoid Hinge, which can make matches based on mutual Facebook friends.) Try a few, commit to one and go fish. Get a sense of who else is swimming in the sea. There are no hard-and-fast rules for messaging on apps aside from starting all conversations with hello. And guess what—you’re not required to meet any of these women in person unless you actually want to. Now, on to the topic of sharing your marital status. Don’t lie, but don’t overshare either. Technically you’re separated, so give the wedding band a break while you and your wife figure out what you both want. (Unless, of course, she’s still wearing hers on dates. She likely isn’t.) Stop thinking of yourself as someone’s husband and start thinking of yourself as the man you are. Any well-adjusted woman who says she’s never had to confront questions of monogamy and commitment is lying to you. In other words, don’t stand for any of your dates judging you. A marriage in harmony, an abundant dating life—both lifestyles are great. But neither outranks finding autonomy and happiness in yourself. Use this time wisely.

Originally published in Playboy magazine. Illustration by Katie Bailey.