Dear Playboy Advisor: My Girlfriend Is Too Aggressive

The Playboy Advisor on sexually aggressive women, pursuing sex in the era of #MeToo and a primer on at-home mixology

I recently found myself unable to get hard after my girlfriend forcefully grabbed my crotch in the car and tried to go down on me. I hate it when women are overly sexually aggressive, because I enjoy the hunt—that is, I like making the first move to initiate sex. Does my boredom with women who are fearlessly forward make me a bad “male feminist,” a douchebag or just your typical guy?—B.S., Springfield, Illinois 

Antiquated notions about human biology would have you believe that only men hunt and only women nest. Modern iterations of feminism say women should make the first move—or, at the very least, not be shy about doing so. The truth is somewhere in the middle, which means quality sex, from foreplay to finish, is about finding the right personality dynamics. That means gender shouldn’t determine which of us prefers to hunt and which prefers being hunted.

Now, to address your question, how sexually aggressive are we talking? Is she leaning in for a kiss and grabbing your crotch, or grabbing your crotch without warning? Some dudes like an aggressive girl; perhaps her exes were some of those dudes. Others don’t. Some girls get off on a guy calling them a dirty slut. Others don’t. And it’s all perfectly fine! If you’re not hurting her (unless she explicitly wants you to, of course) and both parties are pleased with the sex, the mechanics behind your relationship is no one else’s business.

That’s why I question why you think your sexual preferences have anything to do with feminism or masculinity. I suggest losing the identity politics and finding a woman who prefers to be submissive, because you’re obviously a dom. And you should own that. There’s nothing wrong with liking what you like and, more important, embracing what you like. That’s sexy.

By the way, male feminism is a troublesome term. Feminism is defined as equality of the sexes, despite the root of the word itself, so tacking on male nullifies it. The only bad male feminist is the kind of guy who wears a T-shirt emblazoned with male feminist and goes around punching women in the vagina. If a man enjoys getting pegged by a dominatrix who’s dressed like a lumberjack, does that make him a good male feminist? Nope. It means he has specific proclivities. So while you may be a little naive—by “typical guy” I guess you mean you like watching sports, drinking beer and hitting your local Hooters every once in a while—you’re not necessarily a bad feminist. 

What’s a go-to cocktail I can master at home that almost any woman would not just be impressed by but actually drink?—P.G., Reno, Nevada

There’s nothing sadder than having people over and being unable to offer them a proper drink because your fridge is stocked solely with crusty lo mein leftovers and a single bottle of Coors Light. A magnum of Dom, a bottle each of a mid-priced red and white and a fully stocked bar complete with dry vermouth, bitters and all the accoutrements will make your home a prime after-hours spot—but for a beginner, you need just a few items to impress. Keep good-quality bottles of tequila, vodka and whiskey, along with 10-ounce bottles of club soda and a few limes, and you’re set. (Remember to refill that old ice tray.) Make a balanced pour, and you’re golden. If she refuses tequila because she drinks mezcal now, she may not deserve your hospitality. 

I once read that there was an over-the-counter drug that greatly increases the amount of sperm a man produces. Is there any truth to the idea that a guy can increase his load?—M.M., Anaheim, California 

There are many ways to increase the volume of your ejaculate, but they don’t include over-the-counter supplements. For one, there’s no published clinical research proving OTC dugs actually work in this arena. If you really want to make your money shot more climactic, let your body, not your wallet, do the work. Pause your masturbation routine for a few days. The amount of semen you produce is directly proportional to the level of liquid you ingest.

Ejaculate is water-based, so start slamming as much water as possible, and lay off the booze, which dehydrates you. Even worse, alcohol lowers your sperm count and decreases its quality—and why shouldn’t quality be just as important as quantity here? You should also avoid hot tubs, saunas, steam rooms, heated car seats, tight underwear and sitting with your legs crossed, all of which can reduce the amount of cum you produce. Testicles are situated outside your body because sperm needs to be at a lower temperature than your body (which is 98.6°F) to function and flourish.

Finally, don’t compare your load with those of porn stars. Some men simply produce more semen than others, and those are often the men you see in porn. Which brings me to my question for you: Why do you want to increase your sperm load? If it’s because you want to accomplish a porn-esque money shot, you better make sure your lover is on board with facials first. 

It used to be a guy could invite a woman back to his place after a date for a nightcap or coffee or to watch a movie if he wanted to, you know, extend the evening. But in a time of #MeToo, can you ask a woman over without being accused of acting inappropriately?—J.K., Naperville, Illinois

You have reason to be apprehensive. Everyone knows asking someone to your place is code for sex, so you’re better off being forthright. When you’re just getting to know a woman, you have no idea what makes her tick, what triggers her or what she considers an affront to her self-respect. There’s a fine line between creepy and cute, and appropriateness is subjective. (Aziz Ansari’s #MeToo moment is proof of this.) If you have to ask, “Is this inappropriate?” it probably is.

Then again, I’d like to meet a woman who would accuse you of being out of line for asking her to hang out in your apartment—though I do know a few who might call you a dork. Forget the ruse of a cup of coffee or watching an episode of Queer Eye on Netflix, especially at 11 p.m. on a weeknight. It’s not as coy as you think. Let things flow naturally, gauge your dynamic and, most vitally, listen to what she has to say. Make sure you have her consent; the whole “Her words said no, but her body said yes” argument will definitely win you a #MeToo moment. After all, when two adults want to have sex with each other, they don’t need to pretend otherwise. 

I caught my boyfriend using a sterilizing cleaning product he found under my sink on his penis after sex. (I repeat: my boyfriend, not a one-night stand.) Does this mean he finds me disgusting?—U.D., Tacoma, Washington

This is a leap beyond the postcoital shower, which can also be offensive or at the very least a bummer. To start, you aren’t disgusting. Most likely he’s grappling with germophobia, paranoia or both. You should start by assessing his reaction to your reaction (which I imagine was shock and horror). Did he act like he was doing something as normal as taking a post-sex piss? Was he embarrassed because he knows dousing his manhood in a substance used to break down oven grease is a weird thing to do?

This situation is more about him than you, so do the mature thing: Tell him he probably already has herpes. Just kidding! Calmly tell him you’re concerned and perhaps a little bothered by it. If he gets defensive or freaks out, show him the door or tell him to get help. Or both. Only you should determine what your deal-breakers are, though his behavior to me signifies some deep-rooted issues with intercourse. Either that, or he suspects you’re promiscuous—and unsafe—and he’d rather risk a violent allergic reaction than the sexually transmitted infection he fears you may have given him. As a responsible person, all you can do is ask him to be honest about his feelings—and to respect yours.