How to Be the Life of the Party
Stimulate, intoxicate, exhilarate…then vacate!
1. Know the scene. And dress accordingly.
There’s a myriad genre of parties out there, and each one has a specific vibe and an unspoken dress code. Unless, of course, the event is of the engraved-invitation variety, and in that case, the code is pretty direct.
There’s the house party (usually so casual and laidback mostly everyone will be in sneakers; choose to be different), black-tie party (on the opposite end of the spectrum), nightclub party (with that whole bottle-service deal that feels very 10 years ago), pool party (I recommend an upgraded bikini top-and-cutoffs combo to look water-ready without letting it all hang out), New Year’s party (stay away from sparkly sequined dresses, unless the theme of the night is “cliché”), rooftop party (they run the gamut between totally chill and downright swanky), dinner party (you obviously need to bring your conversational A game), cocktail party (I prefer a catered penthouse apartment as the venue), slumber party (in which case you must be 12 and come equipped with the game Girl Talk), and warehouse party (glow sticks and molly, anyone?), to name a few. No matter how informal the party, projecting more decadence over less is always preferable. Dress up a little, and consider yourself an improvement to the atmosphere. The masses will thank you for your effort.
2. Make an entrance.
Setting the tone, your entrance is the party equivalent of a first impression. Never show fear, even if you barely know one person at the party. Ditch your sadness, whatever baggage you currently have, at the door. Wet blankets and leaky faucets are not welcome. Walk in with your head held high, a light smile on your face, and a bottle of something decent in hand. If it’s a house party, the kitchen is likely where you’ll want to start; you can set down your offering and get a drink. The sooner you start talking to people, strangers or not, the better.
Don’t be afraid to get a little peacock-y, which includes wearing some personal flair (a paper party hat or tiara doesn’t count. Don’t do that.) When you come across the host or a familiar face, act more excited than you normally would. A party is a festive occasion, so behave accordingly! Get into the music; pour drinks for other people, even if you don’t give a hoot about them; and get in on the action.
3. Come prepared. BYOG.
That’s right: bring your own gear, the survival kit you need to enjoy a night in high style. No one’s ever mad at the attendee who offers up a pristinely rolled joint. If you love champagne and know there probably won’t be any there, bring two bottles, one for yourself and one for the house. If the party’s at a bar, bring ample cash, or at least a credit card you won’t want to close out after buying two drinks. Only resort to carrying a flask if you’re dead-ass broke and you can make taking a sneaky swig look chic. Having a partner in crime is great, but if your favorite party pal is MIA, don’t let that deter you. Go it alone and be open to new possibilities.
4. Have a trick.
You’re no dancing monkey, but it’s important to have a little something to help and impress. For example, I can effortlessly open beer bottles with my teeth (it’s all in the power of the jaw), a skill that comes in handy when there’s no bottle-opener to be found. If you’re feeling more extreme, bringing an actual party animal to the soiree, like a llama, makes you an instant party legend. Just don’t be surprised if the host hates you.
5. Know what not to do.
The things you don’t do when you’re in the festive zone are just as important as what you do. There is nothing less attractive than being a needy, ill-prepared drug-hungry party panhandler. As in, don’t go around asking people if they have any blow. It’s unbecoming and sleazy. If you know you can’t get through the night without “favors,” take care of that business before showing up. Don’t get caught screwing in your friend’s bathroom (however, some of the best times can be had in the bathroom. There’s something about the small space). Or worse yet, bed. And above all else, don’t double-dip your chip.
6. Bring superhuman stamina.
There’s a world of difference between getting tipsy and wasted, and in that space lies your dignity. Being tipsy means you’re appropriately socially lubricated. Being wasted means you’re going to have to scroll through your phone the next morning to look for clues. It also means you’re probably going to lose some cash, an article of clothing, or a piece of jewelry to the party gods, and you might get it on with someone for whom you have less than lukewarm feelings.
If you do get wasted, discreetly boot and rally. Like a frat guy. If you don’t have it in you to puke in someone else’s toilet without making audible retching sounds, take a swig from a dusty bottle of Listerine, stealthily strut back into the crowd as if nothing’s happened, and pour yourself another cocktail, then just split before you embarrass yourself further – and possibly vomit on some chick’s “going-out” top. If you ask me, anyone wearing a “going-out” top deserves it, but that’s not the point.
7. End on a high note.
To quote Joni Mitchell, who shouldn’t be played at parties unless you’re smoking pot with your parents’ hippie friends, “Leave them laughing when you go.” Get a laugh and bow out gracefully. Don’t soil it by staying past your expiration date. If you hang on ‘til the end, next thing you know, you’re drinking limoncello like it’s fresh-squeezed lemonade because it’s the only liquid left, while the sun comes up and the host cleans up the wreckage and gives you the stink eye. Not that I’ve ever been there. No way.
Originally published on Archetypes.com